it's not cheating when I paid for it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
