If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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