i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
