i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
