you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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