saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
