I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
