No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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