He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize