ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
