When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
