I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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