Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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