My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
