I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
