I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You smell like stripper and shame
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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