so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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