Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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