Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's never too late to be topless.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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