Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize