peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just tell him i said nine months
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
