yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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