Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
