CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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