My hand turned me down
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize