Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
