But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
