this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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