I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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