So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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