So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
