Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
