if i can run in heels then i can drive
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
