I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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