fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
