someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
