my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
