im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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