Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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