sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
