nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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