he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
