a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize