My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The air was thick with penises
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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