so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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