I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize