i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
