Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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