Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
