I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
