just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
