Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
