Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
