I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦â€â™€ï¸
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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