I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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