im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She told me I should be a condom model.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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