So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
