dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
we're so committed to being not committed
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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